Moments Like This

December 24, 2011 in I'm Telling., Uncategorized with 3 Comments

When I was ten I found my childhood baby book in a drawer in my Mom’s closet. I sat on my bed and flipped through the pages.

I was flooded with more emotion than my little ten year old heart knew what to do with.  I came to a page where my Mom and Dad each had written the baby version of me a letter. (I was a sucker for the written word even at ten…)  My eyes welled up with tears as I read their words.

Love leapt off the page and covered me.

The other emotion I distinctly remember feeling was sadness. I was sad that time had gone so quickly. And that life was passing me by and I couldn’t slow it down. I didn’t want to miss any bit of it. (Um, mind you I was TEN)

By this time I was ugly crying. (Side note: I have ALWAYS been an ugly crier. Those of you who can shed tears and not look like your face has taken a beating really have it good.)

All of that to tell you that one of my greatest fears is that in the hectic pace of life I will miss the moments. That time will pass and all I’ll have to show for it are a bunch of semi-complete to-do lists.

Which is why on Christmas Eve, a day that is going to be crazy around here, I had to document the conversation I just had with my three-year old.

We are sitting on the couch watching a Leap Frog show together. You need to know that the main characters are “Tad” and “Lily”

Him: Mom, do you want to be Lily?

Me: (took me a second for the question to register, its 6:30am) Um, sure. Who do you want to be?

Him: I will be Tad.

Me: Okay Tad.

Him: Lily, guess what?

Me: What Tad?

Him: Lily, I love you.

Me: (laughing out loud with tears in my eyes) Jackson, you are so awesome.

Him: No. I am Tad.

Me: Oh, right. Tad, you are awesome. I love you too.

Him: Thanks Lily.

He reached over and grabbed by hand and we just sat there watching the show, holding hands, Tad and Lily.

Moments like this make my life.

 

UPDATE: It is now 7:58 and I’m still Lily. I get scolded every time I call him by any other name than Tad. LOL.

Mad Skills.

December 20, 2011 in Random Thoughts with 18 Comments

I’ve noticed that as a whole, we humans tend to focus on what we are NOT rather than what we ARE.

What we DON’T have rather than what we DO have.

What we CAN’T do rather than what we CAN do.

But I know there is something you’re good at (Maybe your’re the world’s greatest shopper, or laundry folder, or kisser, or you can throw a perfect spiral…I mean there has to be SOMETHING) – Something you’re proud of…and you don’t pimp yourself enough.

So tell me what area you’ve got mad skills in. (And maybe I’ll share mine…)

 

Empty.

December 19, 2011 in I'm Telling., Random Thoughts with 7 Comments

So many of my days are filled. Moments brimming with activity and always accompanied by a lot of noise.

When you have busy lives and three young kids at home, it really does come with the territory. I’ve become accustomed to full days, minutes and seconds.

The other day after an especially busy week, my house was full of people and I just wanted some solace. When I found a spare moment, I sneaked away and sat in the dark in my closet for three minutes.  No one even wondered where I went, it was perfect.

I just sat in the dark and listened to my own breath. (I know, I am weird)  It seemed rather dramatic, but I felt like I needed a moment that was empty.  Free from thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions.

A moment that just was. 

Does this sound as crazy as it feels?

It’s like the fuller my minutes are, the more they dictate to me what to feel, what to do, how to respond, etc – but in the empty ones I am free to just be. 

And in those moments I find clarity.

We’re always seeking to fill. Fill our wallets, fill our bank accounts, fill our schedules, fill our stomachs, but I’m finding in the emptiness I hear more clearly, feel more deeply, and understand God and myself in a new way.

Maybe this is the concept behind fasting- to worry less about being full (in every capacity) and experience the range of what emptiness brings.

 

I love dangerous.

December 14, 2011 in Uncategorized with 9 Comments

We ran into the store the other day for a few quick items. It literally was three things, so he was actually fairly well behaved. Until the check out line. On a side note – Whoever invented the check out line did not have a three year old. I mean seriously the eye-level candy, chips and Chapstick- I usually end up having to add a minimum of two items to my order per visit.

But what is absolutely certain is that we always get the “rojo” car cart. Car carts. They are a must when you’re three. And for Jack, it must be rojo. Every. Single. Time.

So we roll up to check out lane #4 (ten items or less) and I’m chatting it up with Jan. I look over and there is Jack…standing up on the door jam of the rojo car. I watched his short life flash before my eyes- and visions of stitches and concussions flew through my mind.

So in my very sweetest, sternest, grocery-store-good-mom approved voice I said, “Jackson Wade, you need to get down right now. Please. Standing up there is very DANGEROUS.” I really drew out and enunciated the DANGEROUS in order to make my point.

He looked up at me, took one hand off the cart (my heart stopped) brushed his golden Justin Bieber locks out of his eyes and stared directly into mine. And slowly, enunciating his words, as if to really make sure I understood, he said,

“But MOM. I love DANGEROUS.”

I mean. What do you do with that?

He was 100% honest in that moment. Because he does love dangerous. It’s in him. It’s who he is. And that really got me thinking.

He was born without fear of pretty much anything.

How do I parent that without killing it?

How do I encourage him to live that part of him that loves the thrill of adventure, loves to feel alive and actually KEEP him alive?

And what about me? What about you?

Are there parts of us we’ve let die to live safe?

I’m reminded of an amazing quote by Mark Batterson:

I wonder if churches do to people what zoos do to animals.

I love the church. I bleed the church. And I’m not saying that the way the church cages people is intentional. In fact, it may be well intentioned. But too often we take people out of their natural habitat and try to tame them in the name of Christ. We try to remove the risk. We try to remove the danger. We try to remove the struggle.

Do I want to tame my son? Or teach him to use that fearless nature to live hard, live big, and love people?

I’m thinking the latter.

And I’m thinking I might need to learn a thing or two from him.

Full.

November 24, 2011 in Keepin' It Real, Random Thoughts with 5 Comments

This has been a year of discovery for me.

Discovering more of me. Who I am, why I’m here, what I’m created to do.

Discovering more of God. Who he is. Who he has always been, I just haven’t always seen it.

Discovering more love. I honestly feel like my heart has expanded in its capacity to love the people in my life.

I can’t help but sit here feeling more thankful than any human should be allowed feel.  My future is uncertain, just like yours.  But there is a concrete foundation that has been laid in my heart that brings a joy, a confidence, a peace that literally leaves me…

Happy.

Thankful.

Full.

 

Three.

October 17, 2011 in To Tell with 5 Comments

In three short years you have single-handedly turned my life upside down.

Opened my eyes.
Stretched my patience.
Expanded my heart.
Rocked my world.

The day I met you my life was completed in a way that I never knew possible.

    

I’ve laughed more than ever.
I’ve cried more than ever.
Learned to live on my toes.

And I wouldn’t change a thing about you.

I’ve never met anyone like you. More personality inside that tiny body than I can even comprehend.

   

You’ve colored our lives outside the lines.

Happy Birthday Jack, I love you and can’t wait to see what God does with you.

Girl on the Street

October 3, 2011 in I'm Telling., Keepin' It Real with 1 Comment

I think we can all agree on one of the most painful experiences of our human existence. It’s right up there with childbirth, and serving the poor, like my friend Chante in Haiti – yes, I would submit that watching yourself on camera is excruciatingly painful. No matter WHO you are.

So, willfully throwing yourself out there on the street, accosting random strangers all to land a job you think you’d be perfect at, is down right insane.

Well, here’s the latest from a girl who is slightly crazy.

@Metromom #socialsideline from IRIS MEDIA on Vimeo.

If you love it, or just love me, feel free to post it on your social media channel of choice using the hashtag #socialsideline.

Qualified.

September 28, 2011 in I'm Telling., Keepin' It Real with 8 Comments

I spent a good portion of my life disqualifying myself.  I remember even as young kid brushing off opportunities because I thought we might not have the money, or I wasn’t the type of person who would do that.

As I got older it began to happen more often. I’d want to step out to try something new so I’d put my toe in the water…Testing things… You know just to feel it out. Immediately I’d look up and see what you thought. I’d steal a sideways glance. Do you think I can do it? Do you have that look in your eyes that says, yeah, she’s got it.  If I didn’t see it there, I’d pull my toe out of that water, turn around and never look back.

Disqualified.

Afraid of judgement. Afraid of you thinking, “Who does she think she is?”  It was much easier to disqualify myself than to risk putting myself out there and you not approving.

So, I lived my life disqualifying myself from being me.

But lately, something has changed. I’ve shifted my gaze. I’m no longer looking in your eyes for that sense of qualification.  I don’t need you to tell me I can do it.  I’m not sure why the change has come.

Probably a combination of age, becoming a mom (because honestly, who EVER feels qualified to be a mom), or maybe I decided the risk was worth it.

I can tell you what it’s not.  It’s not that I suddenly have this amazing confidence and think I’m “all that.”  No, it’s definitely not that.  I don’t know if that day will come. But, I have realized that I am still figuring myself out.  But so is SHE. And so is HE. And so are YOU. And why should I wait for some magical day, or some approval I think you have to give me for me to step out?

And not just with my toe in the water…No, DIVING IN.

Living ALL OUT. Fully alive.

Qualified, because I say so.

I’ve decided to live my life qualified.  So when I saw this opportunity from the Phoenix Suns on Monday, I jumped in without hesitation. WHICH IS SO NOT LIKE ME (or the me I’ve always been.) I responded to their request for applications for a #SocialSideline Reporter. The first professional sports team to EVER have a social media reporter. I created a video and submitted.  I hit send and realized that I didn’t want anyone else to see it.

I didn’t want you to disqualify me. I didn’t want to have to look in your eyes for that approval.

So, yeah, it is a dance I’m still perfecting.

But I’m determined to live qualified. So, that’s why I’m not only posting this video here for you to see, but going to continue to live my life that way.  In big ways, in small ways. Qualified.

What have you disqualified yourself from?

 

And, BTW if you DO want to support me in my quest to be the very FIRST EVER social media reporter for my beloved Phoenix Suns (and if you know me at all, you know of my unending love for the Suns…)  you can help me by sharing video with your friends, mentioning me on twitter (@metromom @phoenixsuns) or facebook with the hashtag #socialsideline

 

 

Every Day.

September 15, 2011 in Keepin' It Real, Marriage, Uncategorized with 8 Comments

Did you know we met when I was twelve years old?  Our long and winding story is very magical. Like, the stuff movies are made of.  For real.

I have never been more certain, more sure of anything- than I am of him.

Yet, even still, marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.

There have been mountain top moments and there have been valleys.  But most of life happens somewhere in between.

The tiny moments.  The quiet conversations, the bickering over stupid meaningless stuff. But this is where our story unfolds.

The everyday things that happen, well, every day.

Every day for ELEVEN years.

The ways he has loved me by letting me pick the chick flicks on our cozy couch nights.  The way he makes the bed without great fanfare- I just walk in the room and smile, feeling his quiet message.

He loves me.

The way he loves saying yes to me.  Little things I ask for, or express that I need. He loves making them happen.

He loves me every day.

The love comes in other ways too. When there are weeks and months that are difficult and busy and crazy and we’re just roommates- he loves me by coming home; by being there, standing by his promise to stay even when it’s not blissful or fun.

He has loved me every day.

For ELEVEN years.

And as I look back, I am grateful for the mountain top moments and I am grateful for the battle scars that remind me of what we’ve been through- but mostly, I am grateful for the everyday moments.  Because these are what make my life.

Happy Anniversary to my best friend.  I love you Brad.

 

Sorry….That’s What She Said

September 14, 2011 in Keepin' It Real with 0 Comments

Today, I was lucky enough to guest post on www.ragamuffinsoul.com – Sharing it with you now…

Hey guys, while I am spending today driving through the plains of Kansas, I thought I’d have the #2 Ragamuffin in command, my assistant, Noelle, drop some bombs of wisdom on you.

_________________________________________________________________

It’s time for a little estrogen up in here.

So, grab a cup of coffee, make sure all your toilet seat lids are down and let’s have a little chat, shall we?

Usually when we talk men vs. women there are lots of lists, stereotypes and very few answers on how we can meet in the middle. We hear statistics about sex drive (men want it, women don’t), communication (women want it, men don’t), emotions (women have them, men are baffled by them)…we’ve all read the lists. And I’m not here to confirm or deny any truth these lists represent. Just want to shed some light on another difference I discovered just the other day.

I called Carlos back for probably the fourth time that day hour. Before he could even say hello, I was apologizing for bugging him with more questions. (I might add that keeping his crazy schedule on schedule is a task that is not for the faint of heart.)

Me: “Hi. SORRY, but I just have to ask you one more thing…”

Carlos: “Hey, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP APOLOGIZING?!”

Me: “Oh, okay. Sorry. I mean, um….”

I got my question answered, hung up the phone and thought about what he had just said. I realized at that moment that I apologize, like A LOT. For things I have done. For things I haven’t done. For things that someone else has done. For things someone else hasn’t done. I find a way to take the blame. And, I began to notice that many women in my life do the same thing.

We live our lives apologizing. For who we are. For who we aren’t.

Is this because it’s in our nature?

Or, have we been conditioned by society to live up to expectations and be what everyone needs? Why do we live our lives with some sort of disclaimer?

One thing I have learned during my year+ of working with Carlos as his assistant, is that he is unapologetic about his authenticity.

He is real. He is who he is. And he isn’t sorry if you don’t like it.

I began to notice the same sense of unabashed living in my husband. He pastors with grace, but never shrinks back from tough conversations. He doesn’t apologize for who he is.
And then it hit me. Jesus didn’t either.

Jesus disappointed people all day long. He failed to live up to the expectations of the religious leaders. He didn’t follow the rules that society dictated. He lived unapologetically.

Why don’t I? Ladies, why do we spend our days doing damage control, keeping up appearances, and making people happy? Apologizing instead of living?

Am I the only one who struggles with this? Have you overcome it? How? Have I asked too many questions? (SORRY…wait, NO, I’m not sorry…geez, SOMEONE help me!)

Is it possible for us to remove the disclaimer, and live out the both the beauty and ugly of who we actually are?

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