This post was originally dated, July 11th, 2006. Angelina was four when we had this conversation….

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HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE WHO LEAVES THE SEAT UP?

Warning: There may be sappiness ahead…Quick, run, get out now while you still can!

There are moments when I ask myself this question: How can ONE person make me so mad? How can ONE person know exactly the right buttons to push, and single handedly send me over the edge? How can someONE be all of those things and then bring home flowers unexpectedly (TWICE in one month???), or take the kids out to give me a break, or give an unsolicited hug (the BEST kind, by the way), or make me laugh so hard? This is the mystery of relationships.

The other day I overheard him telling The Girl, “You know some day when you get married, you should marry your very best friend. Did you know me and your mommy are best friends?”

To which she replied, “I’m not going to be married, I DO want my own kitchen and bathroom, just like mommy, but I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to say the words.”

To which he replied, “Do you want me to build you a kitchen in your room?”

“Yeah!”
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I wanted to tell her, saying the words is scary, constantly putting the toilet seat down is annoying, but having a kitchen and bathroom is definitely not the highlight of marriage. Building a family, building a life with someone is tough work; sometimes it’s dirty, sometimes its frustrating, but there’s nothing like it. There’s nothing more amazing than knowing someone’s faults, them knowing yours…and still finding love there…deeper and richer than you ever thought. I know, I know its easy to get jaded, to be cynical about marriage- because its so hard and so maddening at times…but when we get jaded and cynical we miss the moments, the things that make it all worthwhile.

I need to post more regularly on this here blog. So…in order to begin a new habit, I’m going to post every day for the next week. The catch is that it will be an “oldie”, thoughts from days gone by, if you will. Hoping that reading them will spark some new thoughts and posting them will get me in the habit of blogging again. This post was taken from Monday, September 25th, 2006- you know, back when Myspace was still alive.

Enjoy!

N

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Of Backspace and Photoshop.

I’ve always loved writing. I remember being a kid, fighting with my parents, and writing them letters to explain how mad I was. I’d write and write…then I’d write letters to make up with them too. I’d write letters to friends, cousins…there is just something about being able to get all your thoughts out, have no one interrupt and rewrite, and cross out and tweak until the paper contains the absolute best version of your thoughts, sentiments, ideas.

I got to thinking about life awhile back and thought about how texting, emailing, myspacing (is that a word?) writing…all of these means of communication have something in common, they are “editable”. Take MySpace for example, the ole fuzzy picture in a dark room with lots of eyeliner and sideways shot that turns a 85 year old man into a 19 year old stud, or what about blogging or emails, all of these things can be backspaced, spell checked, (ok, I know, I know there are times I need to use this feature more, don’t rub it in.) Edited. And that’s the trouble.

With the media airbrushing every photo, editing every video, restylane in the lips, lipo on the hips…what part of us is real, raw, unedited? Not that all of these things are bad, I’m not saying that, I’m saying that almost every means of communication or contact can be altered to be the best version of “you” or “me”.

Somewhere in all of that– “perfection” has become the norm. When everything has been nipped or tucked or augmented or injected or photoshopped or cropped or backspaced…we see what others want us to see. I know, I’m rambling, but stay with me, there might be something worth reading, no promises though.

But I want to know what about the raw, uncut, unplugged, unedited versions of us? What if there were no backspace, no tummy tucks, no cover up? How would our perceptions of people change if our flaws were out there for all to see, all the time? Of course, I think its great that we can “fix” our problems and deal with our issues, but sometimes, I wonder if the fixing of the outside makes us overlook the fixing that we might need on the inside…

I am a firm believer that my closet is a reflection of my life. On a good day, things are in place-where they need to be. On a bad day, the mountain of mess is high and there is no space or clearing. I feel like we spend so much time putting on a face that tells the world we have it all together.

When we don’t.

My closet is an animal.  It seems that I’ll spend an hour or so cleaning every few weeks, only to find a big, fat mess in a few days.   Over the last three weeks, my closet has taken on a life of its own.  The mountain has become ridiculous.  My LITERAL closet AND the day to day details of my life. In fact, I got a gentle reminder from my son’s kindergarten teacher that pick up time is by 2:30, not 2:33, or 2:34. I was absolutely mortified when she had to say something. I had a million excuses in my mind. (We’re starting a business, if you only new my “to do” list, I have to wake my two year old up EVERY day from the precious 1.5 hour nap he unwillingly gives me – and I push it every day hoping to get 5 more minutes of things done and give him 5 more minutes of sleep…)

Instead of giving excuses, I just wore it. I was late.

I was one of those “moms” – you know the ones who aren’t perfect.  I hated admitting that I was falling short in any area of my life. And then, I took a long look at the state of my closet.

So…in an effort to clear out the clutter of my life. I sat down with my closet- determined  that I would finish it…TONIGHT.

The real question is, am I the only one? Do you have a spot in your house that gets out of control?  Are you working hard to keep the image of perfection up so no one knows?  Well, in an effort to be transparent and to truly air my dirty laundry….enjoy.

*disclaimer, if you suffer from motion sickness, you may not want to watch this high quality video!!!

You’re not a little girl any more, but you you’re not quite a teen.

Your eyes still light up at the sight of a pinkalicious room filled with dolls.

But you give me a real run for my money at most board games, and are the reigning champion at Balderdash.

You’re somewhere in between.

Your imagination still creates fairytales and takes you into worlds of fantasy.

But I watch as you enter a room of people, a little more aware of yourself and maybe a little less sure.

You’re caught in between.

You still give me big hugs and kisses and turn back to wave when you walk into school.

But you have no hesitations leaving me to head two hours away to Girl Scout Camp for two days. (You didn’t even blink an eye.)

You’re somewhere in between.

You’re brave and independent and ready to take on the world.

But then, the other morning, you whispered in my ear, with tears in your eyes and a quiver in your voice, “Mommy, I don’t want to be double digits next year. I’m not ready.”

You’re caught in between.

I promised you that morning that it was going to be okay. That I would hold your hand and walk with you through the next year…and beyond.

And I will.

While you are in-between I will be there to help you navigate. To let you know that its okay to hold on to your childhood and embrace all that the future holds.

Happy Birthday to my nine year old girl.

My husband has been out of town for 4.5 days.

Whenever he goes out of town for business or ministry, the par-tay begins!

Ok, so not really a party, but we DO have some traditions…

Breakfast for dinner. Occasionally we do it when he’s here but we ALWAYS do it when he’s gone. This week we made waffles, had Cinnabon cereal, turkey bacon and eggs.

Nostalgic Movies. I love introducing my kids to some of my all time favorites. B doesn’t mind watching them with us, but usually there is a musical involved and well…let’s just say he may not appreciate those as much as I do. This time I was giddy with excitement to introduce my kids to my love for the movie Sister Act 2.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this movie- and they did too! We danced and sang and acted pretty much ridiculous.

Couch Campout. Okay this is just my own tradition, but I always sleep on the couch when he is away. I don’t know why. Maybe I feel that I will be able to ward off burglars easier, or my bed won’t seem so big and empty, but it just happens. Every time. (Also a good excuse to get a neck rub when he comes home)

He comes home later today, so I’m busy showering and putting away the bon bons…

When the “cat’s” of your life are away…what do you do?

Right now my life is really full. Full of change, full of questions, full of transitions.  I’ve been walking around with a tension that I finally noticed yesterday.  The tightness and feeling that all of my emotions have taken up permanent residence in my throat, ready to spill out at any moment got me thinking… I don’t really have anything to complain about. My life is beautiful. Messy and loud and chaotic at times- but beautiful none-the-less.

I think the reason I’m struggling right now has more to do with the fact that at the moment, I have no control over so many areas of my life. Things are changing. No one consulted me, and I’m just supposed to trust that it will all work out.  And I don’t like it. Not one bit. I know I’m not the only one with control issues.

It seems that so many of us grip so tightly to the people and situations in our lives.  Why?

I laid in bed last night processing my feelings.  All of the circumstances swirling in my mind. What exactly was I feeling?  The answer came and I wasn’t really expecting it…what I was feeling was…small.

This morning I woke up and that word still stuck with me. 

I feel small.

Then it occurred to me, maybe the reason we struggle with control is because there is part of us that fears that if we don’t have our name, our stamp, our fingerprints all over the situations of our lives we will cease to be significant.

Where will we fit in? Where will our place be if we don’t craft and control every detail?  If we don’t orchestrate our world to ensure that we don’t lose our spot, that we’re still needed, that we matter.

Seeing this in me, and pinpointing in myself, where and why I am not okay with the world moving on, changing around me didn’t really bring any relief. In fact, the heaviness grew….well, heavier.

But there was something small in me that began to speak. A voice that I hope grows louder over the next few days and weeks.  A comforting voice that reminded me that my place is in his hands.  My significance is found in him.  His love is big enough, his arms wide enough to carry me…and you too.

So today, I will hold on to that.

Good enough.

This is a phrase I am introducing into my vocabulary. Too often I find myself striving over small details to align them to the image of perfection in my mind. I will go to great lengths to achieve the perfect image I see in my mind’s eye. I will compare to the images I see around me.

It is a sickness that we moms tend to share. The perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect house, the perfect body.

Sometimes it just gets to be too much. I find myself going to bed with an endless “To Do List” running through my mind and a lump of guilt in my stomach knowing I’ll never get it all done.

So, for me, for this season: Good is going to be good enough. Which means, I am going to be good enough.

And gosh darn it, people will like me…(It had to be said.)

We have a few names but NOTHING everyone agrees on and of course we’re still getting flack from others…so I need your top 3 BOY NAMES.  Please leave a comment with a suggestion or two- Not promising we’ll pick your name, but we’d love your input AND BONUS!!!! If we do pick your name- there WILL BE a reward!

Well, one of my favorite bloggers once asked her readers to ask her a bunch of questions and she’d answer them in a periodic way…well since most of my 7 readers know me pretty well- there is really not much of a need for that here at metromom.org SOOOOO…. I decided to ask MYSELF some questions. Is that lame? I never promised that I wouldn’t be lame, so today…I am lame.

 

So I’m gonna answer them…and since some of my fellow bloggers have not posted in awhile- feel free to steal these questions and answer them on your own post- I’d love to see your answers!

People I’d like to see answers from: Her, Her, Her, and Her, and maybe Him.  And you too…If you do decide to take the time to do it, leave a comment so we can see your answers!!!!!  

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

Um, is that a basketball under your shirt lady?

2. How much cash do you have on you?

None- at the moment!

3. Favorite Planet

For living? Earth  but I’m pretty fond of Jupiter as well

4. Who told you they loved you last?

My Tyboy - 

6. Where did you live in 1987

Thousand Oaks, CA

7. Your first love: Whats the last thing you heard about him/her?

I heard him say I love you when he walked out the door to take my girl to school.  

8. What is, in your opinion, the worst song ever?

A toss up between Blame it on the Rain or I Would Do Anything for Love by Meatloaf

9. What are you allergic to?

Laundry

10. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

When a friend served me salad with one of her band-aids in it…YUM-O!

11. Do you eat sushi?

As often as I can.

12. Jack Bauer or Sawyer?

That’s a tough one, but I’m probably gonna go with Sawyer since Jack Bauer is usually a captive being tortured or in China or something…

13. City, Beach or Country?

Beach. Any day. Any time. All the time.

14. Last Song listened to?

Banana Pancakes- Jack Johnson

15. Specialty Dish?

I can always whip up some sort of pasta.

16. Where were you born?

Westlake, CA

17. You have one day to spend however you like, what do you do?

Hmm…I’ve been wishing I could take another trip to Kauai and catch some waves in the warm water…and drive with the windows open blasting music and living it up. 

18. What makes you cry?

A lot of things. If you tear up…I will too…

19. Best Ice Cream Flavor?

All Time? Thrifty’s Chocolate Malted Crunch- but usually not available here, so I choose Rocky Road.

20. Favorite Smell?

Sauce cooking on the stove…