At 4:45am.

I wasn’t excited about it. I had been complaining about it all night and dreading it even in my dreams.

I was tired.  I’d spent the night before playing nurse to my vomiting son and hadn’t slept well at all.  Needless to say, when I rolled over checked my phone and it saw it said 4:29am, a 16 minutes before Siri would wake me from my cozy bed, I started grumbling and muttering.  I pulled the pillow over my head and tried to will myself into waking up.

4:45am, 40 degrees outside, and a 40 minute drive…

…And let’s be honest…Nana can be a little more chatty than I like my people to be at 4:45am.

And then, I’m not sure if it was Jesus, the voice of my conscience, or Oprah whispering in my ear…but I heard these words:

“Hey Noelle. Someday…someday…You’re gonna give anything to have 40 more minutes with this woman.”

The truth hit me hard.

Yeah, suddenly it wasn’t so hard to jump out of bed.  We loaded her bags into the car and spent the 40 minute drive chatting away about life. I asked her about her daily schedule back home, her friends, we talked about how pretty the moon looked and she thought it looked like a banana. And she laughed her loud, contagious laugh, and I breathed in deeply feeling every second of those 40 minutes.

Sometimes we are given gifts of time with those we love.

40 minutes.

4 hours.

And in those moments we get to choose.  We can choose to exist, or we can choose to live them, breathe them in and hold them close.

I know this morning I got 40 minutes I will never forget.

The truth is, those seeds will most likely sit on my counter for at least six weeks, upon which I will probably shove them in a drawer, only to discover them covered in dust sometime in late October. (You know, when all the other moms are showing off their prized pumpkins and gourds.)

So, I’m not much of a gardener…

While I’ll admit my thumb is anything but green, I often wonder about the little people I am growing.  You see, I’m in the season of life where I should probably paint my SUV yellow and start running a meter for all the dance classes, music rehearsals and sports I’m shuttling kids to and from each day.  In the hurried pace of life we can so easily fall into, it is easy for me to begin to focus on my kids behavior.  I find myself correcting manners, reprimanding arguments and discouraging tattling…I mean someone has to tame these little monkeys into proper citizens.  But, I often wonder if ever I get it backwards.  Am I working too hard to shape them from the outside?

Too easily I forget that my two year old is so much more than his behavior. Within this tiny little person is the potential to become a strong, thriving adult. My job is to pull that potential out.  But we get scared. We fear that our kids will fall short, or be disliked, or that our parenting will be looked down on. So we focus our attention on the behavior forgetting one of the basic rules of gardening (…and parenting.)

Seeds want to grow.

Our job is to create an environment where that can happen. As we begin to focus on the individual needs and hearts of our children and surround them with the love, encouragement and faith they need- they will begin to sprout and develop strong roots.

There will always be behavior to correct and change. (Did I mention that I have a three year old?!!) But, hopefully we remember that our first job is to cultivate their hearts and watch them grow from the inside out.

I was flooded with more emotion than my little ten year old heart knew what to do with.  I came to a page where my Mom and Dad each had written the baby version of me a letter. (I was a sucker for the written word even at ten…)  My eyes welled up with tears as I read their words.

Love leapt off the page and covered me.

The other emotion I distinctly remember feeling was sadness. I was sad that time had gone so quickly. And that life was passing me by and I couldn’t slow it down. I didn’t want to miss any bit of it. (Um, mind you I was TEN)

By this time I was ugly crying. (Side note: I have ALWAYS been an ugly crier. Those of you who can shed tears and not look like your face has taken a beating really have it good.)

All of that to tell you that one of my greatest fears is that in the hectic pace of life I will miss the moments. That time will pass and all I’ll have to show for it are a bunch of semi-complete to-do lists.

Which is why on Christmas Eve, a day that is going to be crazy around here, I had to document the conversation I just had with my three-year old.

We are sitting on the couch watching a Leap Frog show together. You need to know that the main characters are “Tad” and “Lily”

Him: Mom, do you want to be Lily?

Me: (took me a second for the question to register, its 6:30am) Um, sure. Who do you want to be?

Him: I will be Tad.

Me: Okay Tad.

Him: Lily, guess what?

Me: What Tad?

Him: Lily, I love you.

Me: (laughing out loud with tears in my eyes) Jackson, you are so awesome.

Him: No. I am Tad.

Me: Oh, right. Tad, you are awesome. I love you too.

Him: Thanks Lily.

He reached over and grabbed by hand and we just sat there watching the show, holding hands, Tad and Lily.

Moments like this make my life.

UPDATE: It is now 7:58 and I’m still Lily. I get scolded every time I call him by any other name than Tad. LOL.

What we DON’T have rather than what we DO have.

What we CAN’T do rather than what we CAN do.

But I know there is something you’re good at (Maybe your’re the world’s greatest shopper, or laundry folder, or kisser, or you can throw a perfect spiral…I mean there has to be SOMETHING) – Something you’re proud of…and you don’t pimp yourself enough.

So tell me what area you’ve got mad skills in. (And maybe I’ll share mine…)

When you have busy lives and three young kids at home, it really does come with the territory. I’ve become accustomed to full days, minutes and seconds.

The other day after an especially busy week, my house was full of people and I just wanted some solace. When I found a spare moment, I sneaked away and sat in the dark in my closet for three minutes.  No one even wondered where I went, it was perfect.

I just sat in the dark and listened to my own breath. (I know, I am weird)  It seemed rather dramatic, but I felt like I needed a moment that was empty.  Free from thoughts, opinions, feelings, emotions.

A moment that just was. 

Does this sound as crazy as it feels?

It’s like the fuller my minutes are, the more they dictate to me what to feel, what to do, how to respond, etc – but in the empty ones I am free to just be. 

And in those moments I find clarity.

We’re always seeking to fill. Fill our wallets, fill our bank accounts, fill our schedules, fill our stomachs, but I’m finding in the emptiness I hear more clearly, feel more deeply, and understand God and myself in a new way.

Maybe this is the concept behind fasting- to worry less about being full (in every capacity) and experience the range of what emptiness brings.

We ran into the store the other day for a few quick items. It literally was three things, so he was actually fairly well behaved. Until the check out line. On a side note – Whoever invented the check out line did not have a three year old. I mean seriously the eye-level candy, chips and Chapstick- I usually end up having to add a minimum of two items to my order per visit.

But what is absolutely certain is that we always get the “rojo” car cart. Car carts. They are a must when you’re three. And for Jack, it must be rojo. Every. Single. Time.

So we roll up to check out lane #4 (ten items or less) and I’m chatting it up with Jan. I look over and there is Jack…standing up on the door jam of the rojo car. I watched his short life flash before my eyes- and visions of stitches and concussions flew through my mind.

So in my very sweetest, sternest, grocery-store-good-mom approved voice I said, “Jackson Wade, you need to get down right now. Please. Standing up there is very DANGEROUS.” I really drew out and enunciated the DANGEROUS in order to make my point.

He looked up at me, took one hand off the cart (my heart stopped) brushed his golden Justin Bieber locks out of his eyes and stared directly into mine. And slowly, enunciating his words, as if to really make sure I understood, he said,

“But MOM. I love DANGEROUS.”

I mean. What do you do with that?

He was 100% honest in that moment. Because he does love dangerous. It’s in him. It’s who he is. And that really got me thinking.

He was born without fear of pretty much anything.

How do I parent that without killing it?

How do I encourage him to live that part of him that loves the thrill of adventure, loves to feel alive and actually KEEP him alive?

And what about me? What about you?

Are there parts of us we’ve let die to live safe?

I’m reminded of an amazing quote by Mark Batterson:

I wonder if churches do to people what zoos do to animals.

I love the church. I bleed the church. And I’m not saying that the way the church cages people is intentional. In fact, it may be well intentioned. But too often we take people out of their natural habitat and try to tame them in the name of Christ. We try to remove the risk. We try to remove the danger. We try to remove the struggle.

Do I want to tame my son? Or teach him to use that fearless nature to live hard, live big, and love people?

I’m thinking the latter.

And I’m thinking I might need to learn a thing or two from him.

Discovering more of me. Who I am, why I’m here, what I’m created to do.

Discovering more of God. Who he is. Who he has always been, I just haven’t always seen it.

Discovering more love. I honestly feel like my heart has expanded in its capacity to love the people in my life.

I can’t help but sit here feeling more thankful than any human should be allowed feel.  My future is uncertain, just like yours.  But there is a concrete foundation that has been laid in my heart that brings a joy, a confidence, a peace that literally leaves me…

Happy.

Thankful.

Full.

Opened my eyes.
Stretched my patience.
Expanded my heart.
Rocked my world.

The day I met you my life was completed in a way that I never knew possible.

I’ve laughed more than ever.
I’ve cried more than ever.
Learned to live on my toes.

And I wouldn’t change a thing about you.

I’ve never met anyone like you. More personality inside that tiny body than I can even comprehend.

You’ve colored our lives outside the lines.

Happy Birthday Jack, I love you and can’t wait to see what God does with you.

So, willfully throwing yourself out there on the street, accosting random strangers all to land a job you think you’d be perfect at, is down right insane.

Well, here’s the latest from a girl who is slightly crazy.

@Metromom #socialsideline from IRIS MEDIA on Vimeo.

If you love it, or just love me, feel free to post it on your social media channel of choice using the hashtag #socialsideline.

As I got older it began to happen more often. I’d want to step out to try something new so I’d put my toe in the water…Testing things… You know just to feel it out. Immediately I’d look up and see what you thought. I’d steal a sideways glance. Do you think I can do it? Do you have that look in your eyes that says, yeah, she’s got it.  If I didn’t see it there, I’d pull my toe out of that water, turn around and never look back.

Disqualified.

Afraid of judgement. Afraid of you thinking, “Who does she think she is?”  It was much easier to disqualify myself than to risk putting myself out there and you not approving.

So, I lived my life disqualifying myself from being me.

But lately, something has changed. I’ve shifted my gaze. I’m no longer looking in your eyes for that sense of qualification.  I don’t need you to tell me I can do it.  I’m not sure why the change has come.

Probably a combination of age, becoming a mom (because honestly, who EVER feels qualified to be a mom), or maybe I decided the risk was worth it.

I can tell you what it’s not.  It’s not that I suddenly have this amazing confidence and think I’m “all that.”  No, it’s definitely not that.  I don’t know if that day will come. But, I have realized that I am still figuring myself out.  But so is SHE. And so is HE. And so are YOU. And why should I wait for some magical day, or some approval I think you have to give me for me to step out?

And not just with my toe in the water…No, DIVING IN.

Living ALL OUT. Fully alive.

Qualified, because I say so.

I’ve decided to live my life qualified.  So when I saw this opportunity from the Phoenix Suns on Monday, I jumped in without hesitation. WHICH IS SO NOT LIKE ME (or the me I’ve always been.) I responded to their request for applications for a #SocialSideline Reporter. The first professional sports team to EVER have a social media reporter. I created a video and submitted.  I hit send and realized that I didn’t want anyone else to see it.

I didn’t want you to disqualify me. I didn’t want to have to look in your eyes for that approval.

So, yeah, it is a dance I’m still perfecting.

But I’m determined to live qualified. So, that’s why I’m not only posting this video here for you to see, but going to continue to live my life that way.  In big ways, in small ways. Qualified.

What have you disqualified yourself from?

And, BTW if you DO want to support me in my quest to be the very FIRST EVER social media reporter for my beloved Phoenix Suns (and if you know me at all, you know of my unending love for the Suns…)  you can help me by sharing video with your friends, mentioning me on twitter (@metromom @phoenixsuns) or facebook with the hashtag #socialsideline